Learning About What Lies Beneath the Surface
Near the beginning of the academic year my son (we will call him Collin) was having a hard week or two. He was more irritable and argumentative, dragging his heels with seemingly simple tasks. In my distracted state of mind I responded with frustration and impatience with these behaviors, tempted to discipline what I saw in order to restore some homeostasis on the home front.
One evening after a long day, something told me to stop, take a pause and think about this building pattern in the past few weeks. This was a change from his usual temperament. I asked myself what could be going on. Then I thought of the time of year. This was the beginning of the school year when transitioning poses common challenges for most kids and parents. However, suddenly a light bulb went off…for Collin had an additional change I suddenly recalled…his two best friends from school moved away. Without assumptions I asked him something like “I noticed you are more grouchy and not liking school lately. I know your best friends moved away. Are you feeling lonely or missing them?” BINGO, that was it. He was sad, missing them and lonely especially at recess. He was grieving.
Every parent knows there are ups and downs such as the above example in the path of parenthood. There are the proud and happy moments when you and your child get along well and enjoy each other’s time, both in harmony. Then there are the times of upheaval in which most, if not all, parents feel like throwing their hands up, not knowing how to calm the storms of tears, tantrums and shutting down. As you read above, I am not immune to those common parenting experiences.
We can read all the articles online, listen to podcasts and read books from parenting experts, but using your intuition and some detective work can also go a long way in uncovering what is behind your child’s behavior during stress. Of course, there may be times it becomes more complicated and distressing, in which case a professional is the best approach. However, my point in this article is to give yourselves some credit in knowing your child and your ability to tune in.
Many times, the answer is relatively simple. Stop, step back and think about what your child is doing. Play detective. Why are they acting this way at this moment? Could there be a transition which is causing some stress in your child? Have they had a recent loss or big changes that they don’t know how to navigate? Could it be something simple like they had a long day and they are tired? Why not sit down with them in a moment of quiet and calm and reflect together?!
I notice that when I calm my own distracted mind and tune in to my children, they often have much more awareness of their stressors than we realize. Driving home in the car, bedtime are examples of good opportunities to tune in. Questions such as “I noticed you have been really sad/grouchy/mad this week/lately” can help acknowledge and identify what the child is feeling and go a long way in diffusing the tension. See if together you can make a connection with some stressor. For instance, “Johnny I know we had a fun summer and now you are back waking up early for school every day, doing homework and that’s a big change. Is that making you feel grouchy?” If it’s a no, ask more questions about what could be going on, do they have worries, how are they getting along with friends? If it’s a yes, validate this emotion for instance with “I feel grouchy too when I have to go back to work after having fun.” This helps children calm their emotions when they feel understood and not alone in their experience. Just the same for adults!
Once you have identified the source of their stress and upheaval, try problem solving together. I like to say, “how about this”, or “what do you think if we do this” to work together and help them feel more in control. You might be surprised that your child has their own ideas about what will help them feel better!
After Collin identified how he felt I opened up about my own experiences as a kid when changing schools, the loneliness I felt and missing my friends. Then we put our heads together to figure out how to make it sting less. I couldn’t bring his friends back, but we arranged virtual hang outs with them soon after, and I loved the smile that lit up his face when he got to see them again.
My challenge to you is to give yourself credit for being the person who knows your child best. Tune in. Connect with them. You might be pleasantly surprised with what comes out of doing it!
