We live in a time when we are inundated with Social Media posts/images of parenting wins. Everywhere you look there is no shortage of posts from mothers who make their own baby food, create amazing arts and crafts with their kiddos, proud pictures of all the trophies, badges and academic honors abound. It’s wonderful to have these memories and share them with friends, family. I do the same with my kids and our proud moments. However, it’s important to remind ourselves that parenting is not just unicorns and rainbows. There are sides to parenting you don’t see/hear about much which can result in a sense of isolation, loneliness and invalidation.
No parent is immune to hard days and parent fails. We live this life 24/7, 365 days a year. We can’t shine all the time. We get sick. We have bad moods. We get burned out. Even though I am a therapist I am a human being and remind parents that I too have these times. It’s ok and common to experience guilt (I did something bad/made a mistake) sometimes. However, shame is an experience that causes us to believe we are bad in some way. If we believe we are bad parents this often results in staying quiet out of fear of judgement and having no place to lean with our painful experiences. The more we stay quiet the shame continues. Prolonged shame can morph into low self esteem, depression, anxiety and other conditions. It’s important to find ways to offset the shame in order to have the quality of life you deserve. I want to acknowledge some common struggles many parents face to help break the silence and hold that shame has on many. It is highly individual as we all have our own personalities, upbringing and additional life experiences. For some it is easier. For some it is even painful. However, to know you are not alone and a not a bad parent is so powerful in the healing process.
Being a new parent/parent of a newborn can be a very magical time for so many. It is amazing and surreal to know you can create a human being and the bonding experiences are special. On good days I myself remember feeling an amazing bond and sense of purpose. However, there is an often unspoken and sometimes overtly expressed expectation that one should be elated, resulting in a minimization of the struggles. I also remember the hard days – days I was exhausted, counting the hours until naptime and desperate for adult conversation, to get out of the house. Nights where I reached my limit and felt I couldn’t do another nighttime feeding…I either tag-teamed with my husband or somehow did what I had to do in that moment. There are also many women who suffer with postpartum depression, anxiety and even psychosis which presents another complicated layer of challenges and losses. Yes, fathers even struggle with depression, anxiety and other issues as well. Add any pre-existing or new life stressor to the mix and parenthood can be even more difficult; for instance, financial strain, a stressful job, other losses, trauma, relationship conflict.
So, what are the some of the common losses I am referring to? With the major shift to parenthood we lose our freedom to come and go as we want without being accountable to another human being. The roles change and there is a loss of identity that comes with the territory of being a new mother/father. Women will often state they feel like they are milk machines. The role of the couple in relation to each other changes as well, especially in more traditional relationships where women predominantly do breastfeeding. This may trigger a sense of being devalued for men, taking a backseat to the baby/babies. Loss of intimacy or frequency of intimacy is another casualty many don’t openly share. Additionally, there is lost time, loss of sleep, less financial resources, less opportunity for self care and individual interests/hobbies. With each stage there are additional losses that are important to acknowledge. For instance, there is the loss of one’s “baby” at various stages, including separations on the first day of daycare, kindergarten, high school, college. When a child no longer wants to be hugged in public, or a pre-teen enters puberty. When a teen would rather go on vacation with their friends, preferring their peers over family activities. Empty nesting is a very real phase of grief for many once a child moves out of the home, and this creates a disequilibrium that proves to be an adjustment period for many families. Each stage presents different challenges.
It’s hard enough parenting a neurotypical child who is free from disabilities or mental/medical illness. Add another condition to the mix and this poses more pressure on parents. The multiple medical appointments, advocating for accommodations, loss of work. Another element of having a special needs child that many don’t acknowledge is the loss of ideals – loss of the family life, finances, time for the parents to bond as a couple, the type of life your child would lead, even loss of the ideal child you imagined. This is all real. Remember, we are human beings and imperfect at that.
The point of this article is not to invoke doom and gloom but to acknowledge and validate common parenting struggles that often go unsaid. Know you are not alone. Know you are not perfect and no parent is perfect. Having parent fails is normal. Even parenting experts have parent fails…we are ALL works in progress. I encourage you to lean on the people who have earned the right to hear your story. Talk to other parents who are friends of yours, join a support group, find one on Facebook that resonates with you. This will help loosen the grip that shame has on you. You will feel less alone and isolated. You will realize you are doing the best you can with what you know and have. It is also powerful to give to others – create space for your fellow moms and dads to feel heard. Coordinate a meal train for a new/struggling parent. Bring them a cup of coffee. Offer to babysit so they can take a nap. Do a girls night or a guys night with a parent who is burned out, or missing their college bound son/daughter. If you need more than your village or peers, therapy is a good neutral space to lean into and regain perspective. Help is out there. Don’t be afraid to ask. Lastly, limit your exposure to those social media posts that trigger your sense of not being good enough….remember, comparison is a thief of joy!
